Drive Me Sane
by The Providence Crow
Summary: Sima Yi is sick in the head, and his only chance for a cure is Zhang He. Is Zhang He strong enough to be the medicine his lover needs, or will Yi's illness consume them both? SYxZH yaoi, very dark.
1. Chapter 1

**Drive Me Sane**

**This is going to be an odd little series of diary-like monologues from Zhang He's POV. It was just this bizarre idea I had bouncing around in my brain, and I decided I liked it enough to type it up and post it. So, here it is!**

**Ch. 1**

**Disclaimer: _/I'm not crazy/I'm just a little unwell/_**

People say a lot of things about my Yi. They call him cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty, and even evil. In truth, he's none of these things—he's just sick. Not physically sick, but _sick._ He can't really control himself, and he only does the things he does because it's the only way he knows how to be. Poor Yi thinks everyone is out to get him, plotting his downfall. Sometimes, when he has his…episodes…he even suspects _me_ of being against him. It's difficult to deal with, when he accuses me of trying to hurt him. I just tell myself that he'll be back to normal soon, that once he's worn himself out, he'll turn back into _my _Yi, the one who knows I'd never harm him. He always snaps out of it eventually, you see, and he always gets so upset with himself.

"I'm sorry, He," he'll tell me, on the verge of tears. "I don't know what came over me…I was just sitting, working, and all of these terrible thoughts came rushing into my head…It was so _real_, and I was so _sure_ that…that…" And he can't continue. He's always afraid that one day, he'll do something so terrible, I'll leave him. Nothing I say can shake his fear; he's _convinced _that one way or another, I'm going to walk away from him. I'll admit, there have been times when I've considered it, when things have gotten really bad, but the truth is that I love him far too much to do it. Not only that, he _needs_ me. I'm the only person who he's ever felt close to, the only one he's ever loved who has loved him in return. My dear, sweet, tormented Yi, so brilliant, and so lost.

I think the worst part about his illness has got to be the headaches; horrible, splitting migraines that can last for hours, which no amount of medicine can alleviate. No one else knows about his affliction, because he fears his "enemies" will try to exploit his weakness. My beloved is always seeing invisible enemies everywhere, and I don't know how to show him that there's _nothing there_. He never answers me when I try to tell him that there _are_ no antagonists, it's just his illness playing tricks on him again. He always gives me the same look, the one that says, "You don't understand, but I _know._" I absolutely hate that look. It is the face of his disease. "I am alone, because no one else understands the horrible truths that I witness." This is his affliction, and as far as I know, there is no treatment.

On the brighter side of things, he has been getting much better since we've been in a relationship, but we both know that he's never going to be completely well. I can't help but wonder if this is due to some failing on my part; Am I just not strong enough to help him? But I can't afford to think like that. I _need_ to be strong enough… for the _both_ of us.

**Well, it wasn't particularly long, but it's really kind of a prologue. Next chapter, we get to see some excitement. See ya later!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ch. 2**

**Disclaimer: _/There's a pounding in my brain/That would drive me quite insane/If I wasn't mad already/If I'm lucky it will kill me/_**

Yi had another episode today.

I came back from spending the afternoon with Zhen Ji, and when I walked into the room, he was sitting at his desk with the windows closed and none of the lamps lit. His back was to me, but I could see him shaking. "Where have you been?" He demanded. I could immediately tell what was wrong by the sound of his voice—it was another breakdown. He has them periodically, usually every six weeks or so, though sometimes stress can trigger an unscheduled one. Before we started living together, they used to come every few days. Thank the gods for small favors…

"I was with Zhen Ji, darling. You _know_ that. I told you where I would be going before I left this morning." I tried to keep my voice calm and soothing, but it isn't easy to keep your cool when the man you love—who loves _you_—is having a paranoid-schizophrenic episode. "You're lying," he rasped. "You were _with_ someone. Someone _else_." He wouldn't even look at me, just kept staring straight ahead at the wall. "Yi," I whispered, "Please don't do this. You're not well. You _know_ I love you—" He laughed bitterly, cutting me off. "Yes, you love me. That's what makes it so much _worse_. How can you love me and still betray me? Why whore yourself to another? Were you with _them_? You _were_, weren't you? You were letting _them_ have you." I don't have to ask who he means by "Them". "They" are a part of his paranoid delusions; the imaginary would-be assassins who want to claim his life—and his love, apparently.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. "We've been over this, my love, my only. There _are_ no others. Please, Yi, you're ill. If you would just calm down and let me help y—" "_No_! Don't _touch_ me! _Filthy, lying, harlot_!" I choked back tears. You would think that no one in their right mind would continue in a relationship after being called names like that. _I_ am in my right mind, but my poor Yi is not. He would never say these things otherwise. I know this, but it still hurts unbearably to hear him say such cruel words, even if he does not mean them. I decided that I had to try and reach him, to bring him back to reality somehow.

I started moving slowly towards him. "Yi, I'm _begging_ you. Listen to me. You're being irrational. _There is no one else_. I love you, love you _so_ much. Please, you _have_ to snap out of it." I touched his shoulder—huge mistake. He shot of his chair, which slammed against my chest, winding me and knocked me to the ground. As I struggled for air, the fog in his mind lifted, and just like that, he was back from whatever corner of his mind he'd been trapped in. "He?" Yi looked down at me, horrified, unwilling to believe what had just happened. "Oh gods…He, I'm so _sorry_! I didn't…I don't know why I…just thought…it all seemed so _clear_! I'm sorry, He, I'm so sorry! I love you, I know you would never do—" I put a finger to his lips, shushing him as he knelt beside me. Up close, his eyes were wild and bloodshot. He grimaced and raised his hands to his face.

"He, it _hurts_. It's all in my head, and it _hurts_. There are too many…too many things going on in my mind. I don't know which parts are real anymore. I'm so mixed up, and it _hurts so much_. I love you, He. I'm sorry. Please…Please don't leave…I can't do this without you…" We embraced, the two of us sitting on the floor. He was shaking and sobbing, and it was all I could do to keep from doing the same. "Shh. It's okay, darling. I'm not going anywhere, not now, not ever." I kissed him, and he kissed me back, and then we both started laughing. Maybe we're both sick. Perhaps his madness is contagious…but now I'm just being foolish. You can't spread a disease of the mind anymore than you can cure it.

**I have an obsession with this pairing, and even more so with making this pairing bizarre and angsty. Does it show? …Nah. This is sort of a challenge fic for myself. I hate writing in first-person, and I hate writing pure angst with no humor or fluff, but I figure I'd better work on it anyway. This, I suppose, is just me flexing my literary muscles, so to speak. Unfortunately, there are no steroids to help you beef up your writing skills… **


	3. Chapter 3

**Sweet merciful crap! I'm not dead! And I'm UPDATING! Rejoice! …Actually…my readers for "Beautiful" are prolly going to remove my spleen through my nostrils for not updating that story first. But then, in order to do that, they'd have to find me, wouldn't they? Mwahahahbwah! On with da story! Prepare for fluffiness!**

**Ch. 3**

**Disclaimer: _/Can I say I'm sorry/For everything that comes/Along with me/For all the disappointments/I promise there is something/Worth keeping/_**

We had an unexpectedly good day today, Yi and I. I woke up this morning to a pair of lips pressing themselves against my own. Of course, they were _his_, but since I'm not exactly at my peak in the small hours of the morning, it took me a couple of panicked seconds to realize this. My eyes opened wide to reveal Yi smiling down at me, all too amused at my early morning confusion. "What…what are you doing?" I managed to choke out. He smirked. "What's wrong? I'm not allowed to say good morning to you?"

"Of _course_ you are. It's just…you usually _don't_." Which is perfectly true. Yi loves me, but under normal circumstances, (meaning, when he's not having one of his attacks) he's usually not very demonstrative about it. Half the time, I wake up and he's already left for some meeting. As he's explained to me before, it's simply because he's a busy man who doesn't always have time to be affectionate—although, it's much closer to the truth to say that he's just not very _well versed_ in being affectionate. It's not really his nature. That being said, I'm sure my surprise at his actions was not at all misplaced. He leaned down and kissed me again, gently brushing my bangs out of my eyes. I sat up. "Alright, what are you up to?" I demanded.

He looked away, licking his lips. "I…" he stopped and cleared his throat, blushing. Something was definitely up. "Look…you know that…that I'm not very good at this sort of thing, and…"

"At _what_ sort of thing? Darling, what are you _talking_ about?" At this point, he was redder than I'd ever seen him before, and was very carefully not making eye contact with me. "_Here_," he said, grabbing something from the night-table and shoving it into my hand. "Happy anniversary." He mumbled. I was shocked speechless and frozen in place, not even able to look down at what he'd put in my hand. To be perfectly honest, Yi is…absolutely terrible at remembering things like this. In the four years we've been together, I've never once expected him to go out of his way to make a romantic gesture, and for the most part, he never really has. And he has never, _ever_, remembered our anniversary, much less _given_ me something for it. There was at least ten minutes of silence between us, astonished on my part, awkward on his. Eventually, I was able to drag my attention to the small object resting in my palm.

It was a little box, crudely wrapped in patterned, colorful rice paper, and tied with an even cruder silk bow. He had very clearly attempted to gift wrap it himself, which was sweet, but even more bewildering. I untied the bow and managed to remove the paper without tearing it. Lifting the lid revealed an exquisite ornamental comb, an intricately carved gold butterfly. I'm not sure, but I think my jaw actually dropped. I looked up to see him apprehensively studying my reaction out of the corner of his eye. "So?" he asked. It took me a couple of seconds to find my voice. "Yi, it's…it's _beautiful_!"

"Good." He said, looking decidedly smug and pleased with himself. "It seemed like something that would appeal to your tastes." He started to get up off the bed, and I laid a hand on his shoulder, stopping him. "Hold it," I said. "This isn't like you…this _really _isn't like you. What brought this on?" He looked away again and shrugged, obviously not wanting to talk about it. "Yi, if you really think there is _any possible way_ I'm just going to let you walk off without giving me any kind of explanation, then you are _very_ sadly mistaken."

"See, this is why I don't like to do things like this for you." He grumbled. I frowned, but decided to let his comment slide. I was _not_, however, letting _him_ slide. He seemed to realize this, and, sighing, sat back down. He opened his mouth to speak, when suddenly a devilish grin crossed his face. He gave me a look that made my heart skip a beat before launching himself at me and capturing me in a shockingly passionate kiss. As he pressed me down onto the bed, I felt one of his hands sneak it's way up the inside of my thigh, trying to spread my legs apart in order to grant himself access. I broke the kiss. "Oh, no you _don't_," I gasped, batting his hand away. "Don't even _think_ about it. Not until you give me an explanation." He moved closer against me, but kept his hands to himself, pouting. "Why do you need an explanation?" He complained. "Why can't you just accept my gift without making a big deal out of it?"

"Because, it's _weird_. You've never done anything like this before. Why start now?" Yi's face became suddenly solemn. There was a long pause, and when he spoke, it was almost a whisper. "He…I know I don't say this often enough, but…I love you. I know that these past few months have been really rough on you. You've put up with a lot of things that most people would utterly refuse to take. No matter what I've said or done to you, you've stayed with me. Four years is a long time to have to put up with someone like me, and…I know that a hair ornament is a pretty pathetic way to thank you for all of that, but it was all I could think of. So there it is. Satisfied?"

I hugged him, and at first he was too surprised to react. "Yes," I whispered. "I'm satisfied." Gradually, he relaxed and hugged me back. "I'm glad to hear it," he said, "Because this little display used up all my romance and sensitivity reserves for at least the next year or two. So don't expect anything sweet or cute for a good long while."

"You bastard," I laughed, "I should have known this was too good to be true. Will you at least make love to me? Or have you used up all of your passion, as well?" He smirked, and used his weight to pin me to he bed. "My passion for you, dear general, will _never_ be used up."

As I said, it was a _very_ good day.

**Awww! Isn't that cute? Isn't it? ANSWER ME! Anyhoo, sorry for the delay. I'll be updating much quicker and on a regular basis throughout the summer, so no more long delays for at least two months. Huzzah! **


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